Buddhism gave me ground when I needed it most

I have spent the better part of my life as an atheist, and, to be honest, I remain one. When I use the term atheist, I use it in an agnostic sense: I don’t know for a fact that there is no god, but the evidence I have seen leads me to accept that there is no use in believing in one. I have since written a book about godless parenting, being a secular activist in a primarily Christian nation (the U.S.), and spoken on stages around the country about atheism, secularism, and the separation of church and state.

This also led me to reject all religions, or what I thought was religion, for most of my life, for better or worse. Yet, as I aged, had children, and found a career, I found that true happiness eluded me. I began to suffer from depression and anxiety, only heightened by the fact that I had so much to be happy about: a beautiful, loving wife; two incredible and healthy children; and a stable job with lots of advancement that allows me to provide for my family.

It was in my pursuit to overcome these mental ailments that I first found meditation. Using apps provided by my healthcare provider, I hoped meditation would help me fight anxiety and depression and “win” against them. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t see much success.

Then I picked up 10% Happier by Dan Harris and learned that not only was I meditating incorrectly, I was also meditating for all the wrong reasons. It was also here that I was introduced to more ideas about Buddhism that I had not heard before. This led me to more books and more learning.

Reading books such as Buddhism Without Beliefs, Confession of a Buddhist Atheist, Why Buddhism Is True, and then even books with more religious leanings such as The Joy of Living by Mingyur Rinpoche, and The heart of Buddha’s Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh, showed me that Buddhism was much more than I ever thought. It answered more of my questions and gave me a sense of grounding in my life.

I liken it to saying that, when I started meditating, I found a path to help myself but I was lost. Buddhism, particularly throught The Four Noble Truths, and The Eightfold Path, shined a light on that path to help me follow it.

I stopped meditating to fight anxiety and depression, and instead began meditating to accept them and, in the words of Mingyur Rinpoche, to make friends with my panic, to say hello to it, and then better understand why it exists.

I also found that I stopped meditating only for myself and started to think about how this practice could help improve the world around me. If I am more in control of my emotions, then that benefits those around me. If I exude happiness, others will see that, and it will be infectious. And politically, my drive in this world is to erase the suffering of others and ensure all people are healthy, happy, and thriving, and Buddhism aligns with that same belief and gave me a vehicle to help achieve it.

While I am still working through the metaphysical aspects of Buddhism and understanding how my rejection of them still allows me to fit into Buddhism as a philosophy, the fact that I found Buddhism at a time in my life when I needed it most, and found comfort and, as previously stated, grounding, has given me a new lease on life. I am more present with my family, I am more present at work, and I feel more connected to everything I am doing.

My anxiety exists, but it doesn’t control me. My anger exists, but I am able to understand it, move it aside, and not let others get to me or force a reaction from me. I wake up every day with a bit of a smile, and look forward to my morning meditation and walking out the door with a new view on the world.

I am still learning, but that’s why it’s called a practice. We’re all still learning, I am just happy to now know I have something guiding that learning.